Sobriety

Today, at my school, there is a football game. A good number of people anticipated this last night, and got ridiculously drunk. I had a chance to interview one of these people. More specificly, he wobbled into my room, and I took advantage. I never got his name, so I'm just putting his lines in red, and my own in blue. And my roomie was here for a little bit, so I'm putting his text in green.

Warning: I am quoting him pretty exactly, and so some harsh language follows. Please keep in mind that I in no way advocate the use of some of this language.

(Comes up to roomie) Andreew!

No, I'm Dan. (Pointing to our room) Andrew's in there.

Hey, Andrew. I like the game Chrono Trigger, but do you know what makes it ten times better?

Umm... no?

Vodka. Do you know what makes everything ten times better? Vodka.

I'll take note of that. Did you need anything in particular?

I need to know why you've never been drunk before.

For one thing, I'm not legally old enough to drink. Besides, I have no desire to.

Well I'm eighteen, and I've been drunk plenty of times! Wait, no, I'm not drunk. Do you know when the last time I got drunk was?

Judging by the smell and the way you're acting, I'd say just a little bit ago, earlier tonight.

No! Never! Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh! You got the wrong answer. Let's try this again. What time did I last was drunk? Wait, no that sounded drunk. When was I last got drunk?

Okay, I'll play along. Never.

You got that right. You know what you need is some bitch tits and pussy.

Oh I do?

On your twenty-oneth birthday, I'm gonna take you to a strip club and get you drunk and you'll be like 'Shiiiiiiiiihhd'.

Apart from the fact that your idea goes against both my religion and my personal views, I could agree with you right now. It's not like you'll remember tomorrow morning anyway.

I didn't say tomorrow! I said on your twenty-oneth birthday.

That you did. I have a better idea: why don't you get some sleep? You look like you need it.


No! I'm gonna go next door and talk to John. (Leaves the room, and knocks on the door across the hall) John! John, let me in! Fucking fuuuuuuuuuuuuhh!

(At this point I think I should mention that there is no John across the hall, or next door. Currently in the room he's knocking on are roommates Justin and Jason, as well as my roomie Dan.)

(Opens the door)

There you are, John. Why wouldn't you let me in?

Actually, I'm Dan. And you need some sleep.

Okay. (Waddles off down the hall, hopefully towards his room)

At this point, Dan came back into our room. We agreed that the guy wasn't nearly a good enough actor for this, and that he had to be drunk. After that, things proceeded as pretty much any evening would. The insanity was over for the time being. I'll keep you updated if I get a chance for a second interview, though.