Science's Impact on Society

Yeah, I know darn well that I don't have to write any school essays. This may have something to do with not being in school. Nonetheless, I have decided to write a series of essays on each of the major subjects. That means Science, Math, History, English, and whatever other ones I deem to be worth the time (here's lookin' at you, "Fundamentals of Microsoft Office").

Science's Impact on Society
by Andrew Covarrubias

Most sane people, upon waking up in the morning, don't say to themselves, "Thank whatever deity I worship for science." Rather, most people wake up in the morning and say or think to themselves, "I need some coffee." or, "This headache is fierce! What did I do last night?" What these people don't realize is that both coffee and beer are inventions of science. In fact, these people are probably too groggy to realize pretty much anything at this point. Even after a healthy breakfast of Cocoa Puffs with coffee instead of milk (this is a side effect of the morning issues that plague coffee addicts and people with hangovers alike), it still doesn't occur to them that science created their breakfast.

It all started in 1885 when Alexander Graham BellSouth invented the telephone (then known as AT&T). Though the telephone wasn't intended for ingestion the way coffee, beer, and breakfast are, it was widely known as "a healthy way to start your day". Every morning, AT&T would give people a wakeup call which, upon being answered, would inform the recipient that his or her refrigerator was running away. Because the refrigerator hadn't been invented yet, this joke was even funnier then than it is now.

Due to the efforts of genetic engineers such as Gene Wilder in the late 1940s, this telephone technology was further developed into things we now rely on in day to day life such as coffee bean grinders, LCD televisions, and various assorted medical advancements. Eventually, however, it occurred to some that these new concepts could be combined, such as to create a television that would automatically give its viewers a shot containing various vaccines as well as caffeine. Unfortunately, this concept didn't last, because the televisions were not licensed doctors or nurses and were lacking the proper training to legally give vaccination shots.

What did survive this shocking legal discovery was the television itself, now without any needles. Seeing that something needed to be done to make the product more enticing, in 1998 Al Gore invented the DVD Player, a machine whose original purpose was to deliver him a picture of a flaming globe in higher definition than had ever been possible prior. He was quite popular for this invention, as it spawned an entire generation of nerds who disassembled it in order to take out the lasers which read the data and use them in their numerous Star Wars fan projects, most of which involved themselves playing the role of an acne-ridden Luke Skywalker, deflecting the laser beams shot from the ex-DVD-Player by using their also homemade cardboard light sabers, which it seemed only worked in the dark, which caused a sudden drop in the number of incandescent light bulbs sold throughout the world, eventually leading into an economic recession that could only be cured by one thing: science.

Realizing the harm his telephone had done to the world, Alexander Graham BellSouth looked down from heaven in sadness, because it was too late to do anything except hope that science would save the day (God wasn't going to get him out of trouble this time; he needed to learn a lesson). But then, suddenly, in a surprising twist of events, science DID save the day. You see, scientifically, it is impossibly to deflect a powerful laser beam with a thin cardboard tube, even if that cardboard tube is filled with red or green LEDs and makes a "whoosh" sound. This caused the nerds to kill themselves off, thus undoing the economic damage that they'd done and saving the world.

In the end, we all need to look deep into ourselves and ask if it's really a good idea to ignore science and build cheap toy light sabers in the first place. It turns out that it is a good idea. If not for those brave nearly men who fought for what they were dumb enough to believe in, Al Gore wouldn't have been blamed for their deaths, and he would have gone on to destroy the economy himself with his DVD players in a way that wouldn't be fixed by his death due to his obvious ability not to commit suicide with a cardboard tube. With a permanently destroyed economy, science would no longer be able to grow. Therefore, the only way to preserve science and play video games in high-definition with 10.1 surround sound is to ignore science, and pretend like coffee beans are found in nature rather than being an invention of science.

The End