Attila and the Huns

Another day, another essay. Of course, this time it's on history instead of science. Enjoy.

Attila and the Huns
by Andrew Covarrubias

Back in the mid-to-late-1700s, there was a little-known tribe of South-American city-dwellers known as the Huns. The Huns were a dirty, back-stabbing, gambling-obsessed greedy, thieving people. It was common practice for them to steal the cards used in a game of Poker, or the dice and occasionally table used in a game of Craps. These aspects of their society were all trivial, and would not come into play later in this essay.

In 1760, their leader, Attila, began his famous expedition to the old world in Europe. It was there that he met British King George The IIIrd, whom he treated with many gifts, such as playing cards and Parliament. The King was enthralled, and immediately had his brand new parliament set out to create new laws. Thus was born the Stamp Act. Unlike Hunnish society, this was not trivial and would play a rather important part later in this essay.

In 1770, Attila the Hun reached the other side of Europe and set out to find another society to give gifts to. What he didn't know, however, was that on his trip to the other side of Europe, he'd accidentally made a U-turn, which meant he was setting sail back to America. For this voyage, he prepared a crew of SuperNinjas that he picked up from a bar on the coast of Europe. Among these SuperNinjas was the bravest yet sneakiest warrior in all of Europe, General Washington DC. While traveling the ocean, Attila told General DC of his gifts to British King George the IIIrd, and of the parliament's Stamp Act.

Attila didn't survive the voyage home, because he was eaten by some sharks after making a wrong turn at about a third of the way through the ocean. General Washington DC the SuperNinja inherited Attila's ship, the Lusitania, and declared himself Captain General Washington DC the SuperNinja. When he arrived in America, he told the locals about the Stamp Act, which caused them to become outraged. University of America awarded him an honorary doctorate for his discovery. In response to the citizens' concerns, Doctor Captain General Washington DC the SuperNinja helped lead them to victory in 1776.

In 1777, a stroke of heavenly lightning turned the then-outdated Declaration of Independence into the Constitution. According to the laws set forth in the Constitution, Doctor Captain General Washington DC the SuperNinja was elected president. Unfortunately, later that year, a stroke of bad luck gave him a stroke, which eventually led to the sad death of President Doctor Captain General Washington DC the SuperNinja. Without leaving any time for mourning, a new president was elected to take Saint President Doctor Captain General Washington DC the SuperNinja's place.

In 1800, the shark that had eaten Attila washed up on the Hunnish shores, and the Huns proceeded to eat it, which made them cannibals, indirectly.

The End