How to Have the Most Popular Blog Ever
It's a well known fact that people who blog want their blog to be popular. Some do it for the money that they get from advertising, some do it for the attention, and others do it simply to compete for more page views with a friend, or to prove themselves. No matter what the reason, though, everybody with a blog has the same goal: popularity. I have assembled a list of 10 steps you can take to make your own blog the most read blog in the world.
1. Steal content
Original content is risky. You never know if it's going to be successful or not. If you steal content from another website or blog, though, you can know before you post it that it's something that people will like. It has already proven itself to be high quality.
2. Link to current news articles
Most of us don't normally have access to TV, newspapers, or Google News. We need you, the blogger, to give a link to the latest bit of news either on YouTube or your local newspaper's website, so that we may know what's going on in the world. Without having read about it on blogs, most people wouldn't even know about the World Trade Center attacks in 2001, because we absolutely rely on blogs for news.
3. Use a default Blogger or Wordpress template
Any template you make yourself or find on the internet will suck. Defaults, however, show that you're not afraid to stick with what works. They show that you're not afraid to be part of the crowd. They make it easier for people to see your blog and confuse it with a more popular blog that also uses defaults.
4. Ad lib podcasts
A podcast that is pre-scripted, researched, or carefully edited will surely be outdated by the time you post it. If you ad lib it, you are seen as the type of person who wants to get your information out to the world as soon as possible, without wasting time on quality. People respect this sort of initiative. People respect a person who is so confident that he deems it the user's responsibility to turn up the volume because he talked too quietly.
5. Keep memes going
People want to know who you are. There is no better way to tell them than by stating exactly how often you have sex, with whom you've had sex, where you've had sex, how many times a day you use the toilet, and what your ten favorite bands are.
6. Talk about politics
No theory is so bad that it shouldn't be shared. No political view is so far off to either side that people will disagree with you. Anybody who thinks you are wrong is a Nazi, fascist, communist, racist, radical, reactionary, liberal, conservative, or idiot (your choice). Also, to show your creativity, make sure you say as many negative things about President Bush, with or without research, as you possibly can. Contrary to what you might have been told, this has not been done to death, and it is still funny.
7. List your favorite free software
There are already plenty of lists of free software on the internet, but many of them aren't organized the way you'd prefer, or include a specific application that you don't like, don't need, or haven't tried out yet. This makes these lists wrong. As such, you must create your own list. Make sure to include free mods for popular games, either because everybody already has the original game and is able to use the mod, or because you don't understand that the original game is required in order to use the mod.
8. Talk about your personal life
If you went to Carl's Jr. for lunch today, we need to know. If you got a new pet dog or hamster today, we need to see pictures. As important as politics and news are to us, none of the people that you'll ever see on the internet care about anything more than the trivial details of your day to day life. It doesn't matter if we actually know you, because we're all just as desperate for attention as you are.
9. Use proper internet grammar and spelling
Online, nobody will take you seriously if you use the word "more". It must be spelled "moar" if you want to have any effect on your readers or if you want to gain more readers. Other phrases to use regularly include "do not want", "i can has cheezburger", "plz", "ftw", "hawt", or any other bastardization of standard written English that you can possibly think of or find. Good places to find these include any website with a number and the word "chan" in the address, as well as the SomethingAwful forums. Feel free to type these phrases in all caps if you want. Note that the chan sites are usually not safe for work. You can also translate standard writing into internet writing with this translator.
10. Post pictures of cats with captions on them
The only thing funnier than seeing a cat with its front legs stretched out is the same image with the words "IM GOIN 2 DA MALLZ!!" Generally, it's safe to use any picture, but more awkward poses are better. The caption must always follow the same grammatical rules as explained in step 9, and may often even include a phrase you acquired by visiting sites mentioned in said step.
I hope you've gotten the idea. I didn't follow these steps, and I don't have the most popular blog ever. Logically, this means that if you DO follow these steps, you WILL have the most popular blog ever. Good luck!
1. Steal content
Original content is risky. You never know if it's going to be successful or not. If you steal content from another website or blog, though, you can know before you post it that it's something that people will like. It has already proven itself to be high quality.
2. Link to current news articles
Most of us don't normally have access to TV, newspapers, or Google News. We need you, the blogger, to give a link to the latest bit of news either on YouTube or your local newspaper's website, so that we may know what's going on in the world. Without having read about it on blogs, most people wouldn't even know about the World Trade Center attacks in 2001, because we absolutely rely on blogs for news.
3. Use a default Blogger or Wordpress template
Any template you make yourself or find on the internet will suck. Defaults, however, show that you're not afraid to stick with what works. They show that you're not afraid to be part of the crowd. They make it easier for people to see your blog and confuse it with a more popular blog that also uses defaults.
4. Ad lib podcasts
A podcast that is pre-scripted, researched, or carefully edited will surely be outdated by the time you post it. If you ad lib it, you are seen as the type of person who wants to get your information out to the world as soon as possible, without wasting time on quality. People respect this sort of initiative. People respect a person who is so confident that he deems it the user's responsibility to turn up the volume because he talked too quietly.
5. Keep memes going
People want to know who you are. There is no better way to tell them than by stating exactly how often you have sex, with whom you've had sex, where you've had sex, how many times a day you use the toilet, and what your ten favorite bands are.
6. Talk about politics
No theory is so bad that it shouldn't be shared. No political view is so far off to either side that people will disagree with you. Anybody who thinks you are wrong is a Nazi, fascist, communist, racist, radical, reactionary, liberal, conservative, or idiot (your choice). Also, to show your creativity, make sure you say as many negative things about President Bush, with or without research, as you possibly can. Contrary to what you might have been told, this has not been done to death, and it is still funny.
7. List your favorite free software
There are already plenty of lists of free software on the internet, but many of them aren't organized the way you'd prefer, or include a specific application that you don't like, don't need, or haven't tried out yet. This makes these lists wrong. As such, you must create your own list. Make sure to include free mods for popular games, either because everybody already has the original game and is able to use the mod, or because you don't understand that the original game is required in order to use the mod.
8. Talk about your personal life
If you went to Carl's Jr. for lunch today, we need to know. If you got a new pet dog or hamster today, we need to see pictures. As important as politics and news are to us, none of the people that you'll ever see on the internet care about anything more than the trivial details of your day to day life. It doesn't matter if we actually know you, because we're all just as desperate for attention as you are.
9. Use proper internet grammar and spelling
Online, nobody will take you seriously if you use the word "more". It must be spelled "moar" if you want to have any effect on your readers or if you want to gain more readers. Other phrases to use regularly include "do not want", "i can has cheezburger", "plz", "ftw", "hawt", or any other bastardization of standard written English that you can possibly think of or find. Good places to find these include any website with a number and the word "chan" in the address, as well as the SomethingAwful forums. Feel free to type these phrases in all caps if you want. Note that the chan sites are usually not safe for work. You can also translate standard writing into internet writing with this translator.
10. Post pictures of cats with captions on them
The only thing funnier than seeing a cat with its front legs stretched out is the same image with the words "IM GOIN 2 DA MALLZ!!" Generally, it's safe to use any picture, but more awkward poses are better. The caption must always follow the same grammatical rules as explained in step 9, and may often even include a phrase you acquired by visiting sites mentioned in said step.
I hope you've gotten the idea. I didn't follow these steps, and I don't have the most popular blog ever. Logically, this means that if you DO follow these steps, you WILL have the most popular blog ever. Good luck!
posted by Covarr at 9:44 AM
Permanent Link | Linking Blogs | 1 comments
1 Comments:
You forgot "Post 'Top 10' lists" ;)
Great post. I'm guilty of 9 and 10, and occasionally 8 :)
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