How to Make a Gorgeous Web Page
I was sitting on my chair, pondering, when I envisioned a lot of people asking me how to make a beautiful, eye-catching web page. To the best of my knowledge, nobody has asked me this, but I figured I should post an answer nonetheless.
Step 1: Brainstorm a non-beautiful web page
As with any project in any field, industry, or classroom, the best way to do a good job is to start with either crap or mediocrity and improve on it. Spend five minutes or so brainstorming, and write a list of every feature or idea that comes to you, even in passing, no matter how foolish it may seem. If you think of animated GIFs, add that to your list. If you think of a trail of text that follows the mouse cursor, add that to your list. Don't be picky.
Step 2: Examine the list
You may have realized that your list sucks. There is a bunch of worthless junk on it that you'd rather not admit to having thought of. That's okay. No project ever follows the original plans exactly. In fact, you're going to change your plans right now! First off, cross off anything that looks like content, since we are going over design. Examples of content include top ten lists, diary entries, online T-Shirt stores, tutorials, etc. Content takes a long time to create, and can interfere with the design process. For now, wherever content is needed, nonsense can be used. Lists should include generic labels such as "item 1", "item 2", etc. Paragraphs should all begin with the words "Lorem ipsum".
The list probably seems lacking now that a good chunk of it has been removed. A quick way to fill in the newly created gap is with buzzwords. Good buzzwords include "AJAX", JavaScript, Web 2.0, Web 3.0, frames, and flash-driven navigation. Anything else that you can think of with a buzzword attached to it will also work.
But wait! The list still sucks! What you need to do now is to look at every item one by one, and make sure either that you know how to implement it, or can find a tutorial, pre-made script, or generic pre-built graphic online to do it for you. You are likely to have trouble with things that have very specific or personalized requirements, such as logos and oddly-labeled buttons. If you can't possibly successfully implement an idea on your list, scratch it out, as you won't be using it. Congratulations, now you can go on to step 3!
Step 3: Create a non-beautiful web page
Assuming you didn't lie in step 2, you will probably be able to design a page to the specifications that you didn't cross off your list. Do this now; I'll wait for you.
Since there's a good chance you didn't include colors, fonts, or other similar specs on your list, I'll fill them in for you. The background should be your favorite color. The text color should be the exact opposite (such as green/red or blue/orange). The sidebar should be a third the width of the page, with the content being two-thirds the width. The page itself should be tuned to the size of your monitor, no matter what resolution you're using. Your logo can be whatever size you want, but keep in mind that big ones are more visible. If your background is a light or pastel color, all your text should be in either Comic Sans or your favorite cursive font. If your background is a dark color, use a fixed-width font such as Courier New or Lucida Console.
Step 4: Make an important decision
Now it's time to decide something that will affect the rest of the process: Continue or Quit. Will you keep going to improve the design of your page, or are you done? To help you out, here is a series of questions that will determine for you:
1. What software did you use to design your page? If you answer Geocities, Blogger (wysiwyg editor), Microsoft Word, FrontPage, or "I had somebody else do it for me", you should probably quit. If your answer was Notepad, Blogger (HTML editor), or any other text editor, consider continuing.
2. Are you satisfied with how your page looks? If you say yes, then you're ready to stop. If you say "Hell no, this is hideous", then you'll want to keep going.
3. Have you ever taken my blog seriously and criticized because you were too dense to understand that it's a joke, and that even I don't take most of what I say seriously? If you say "no", then keep on truckin' on your own and finish your page, confident that even though you read all these directions you didn't follow them. If you say yes, read "How to Get Things" until you figure it out.
Epilogue:
Either you read this whole thing, or it was too long and you didn't read it. If you didn't, or if you simply didn't follow the directions I gave, then give yourself a pat on the back, because you passed the test! You are now on the road to creating the most gorgeous web page ever. If you found this tutorial to be helpful, then pass it on to your friends so that they know not to hang with you anymore.
Step 1: Brainstorm a non-beautiful web page
As with any project in any field, industry, or classroom, the best way to do a good job is to start with either crap or mediocrity and improve on it. Spend five minutes or so brainstorming, and write a list of every feature or idea that comes to you, even in passing, no matter how foolish it may seem. If you think of animated GIFs, add that to your list. If you think of a trail of text that follows the mouse cursor, add that to your list. Don't be picky.
Step 2: Examine the list
You may have realized that your list sucks. There is a bunch of worthless junk on it that you'd rather not admit to having thought of. That's okay. No project ever follows the original plans exactly. In fact, you're going to change your plans right now! First off, cross off anything that looks like content, since we are going over design. Examples of content include top ten lists, diary entries, online T-Shirt stores, tutorials, etc. Content takes a long time to create, and can interfere with the design process. For now, wherever content is needed, nonsense can be used. Lists should include generic labels such as "item 1", "item 2", etc. Paragraphs should all begin with the words "Lorem ipsum".
The list probably seems lacking now that a good chunk of it has been removed. A quick way to fill in the newly created gap is with buzzwords. Good buzzwords include "AJAX", JavaScript, Web 2.0, Web 3.0, frames, and flash-driven navigation. Anything else that you can think of with a buzzword attached to it will also work.
But wait! The list still sucks! What you need to do now is to look at every item one by one, and make sure either that you know how to implement it, or can find a tutorial, pre-made script, or generic pre-built graphic online to do it for you. You are likely to have trouble with things that have very specific or personalized requirements, such as logos and oddly-labeled buttons. If you can't possibly successfully implement an idea on your list, scratch it out, as you won't be using it. Congratulations, now you can go on to step 3!
Step 3: Create a non-beautiful web page
Assuming you didn't lie in step 2, you will probably be able to design a page to the specifications that you didn't cross off your list. Do this now; I'll wait for you.
Since there's a good chance you didn't include colors, fonts, or other similar specs on your list, I'll fill them in for you. The background should be your favorite color. The text color should be the exact opposite (such as green/red or blue/orange). The sidebar should be a third the width of the page, with the content being two-thirds the width. The page itself should be tuned to the size of your monitor, no matter what resolution you're using. Your logo can be whatever size you want, but keep in mind that big ones are more visible. If your background is a light or pastel color, all your text should be in either Comic Sans or your favorite cursive font. If your background is a dark color, use a fixed-width font such as Courier New or Lucida Console.
Step 4: Make an important decision
Now it's time to decide something that will affect the rest of the process: Continue or Quit. Will you keep going to improve the design of your page, or are you done? To help you out, here is a series of questions that will determine for you:
1. What software did you use to design your page? If you answer Geocities, Blogger (wysiwyg editor), Microsoft Word, FrontPage, or "I had somebody else do it for me", you should probably quit. If your answer was Notepad, Blogger (HTML editor), or any other text editor, consider continuing.
2. Are you satisfied with how your page looks? If you say yes, then you're ready to stop. If you say "Hell no, this is hideous", then you'll want to keep going.
3. Have you ever taken my blog seriously and criticized because you were too dense to understand that it's a joke, and that even I don't take most of what I say seriously? If you say "no", then keep on truckin' on your own and finish your page, confident that even though you read all these directions you didn't follow them. If you say yes, read "How to Get Things" until you figure it out.
Epilogue:
Either you read this whole thing, or it was too long and you didn't read it. If you didn't, or if you simply didn't follow the directions I gave, then give yourself a pat on the back, because you passed the test! You are now on the road to creating the most gorgeous web page ever. If you found this tutorial to be helpful, then pass it on to your friends so that they know not to hang with you anymore.
posted by Covarr at 1:19 PM
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